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Dear Eric: A close friend of 50 years has always gone out of her way, both in word and deed, to agree with my political views. She has participated enthusiastically in many advocacy events I have promoted. She has even gone so far as to express that her husband feels differently and that his views upset her so much, she might even leave him.

I was thus shocked to see on Instagram that, while she has never made a post, she follows some 1,200 or so people/groups, a small minority of which are friends and the remainder of which are all extremist groups on the other end of the political spectrum from the views she pretends to espouse.

She certainly has a right to her beliefs, but I feel betrayed that she has gone out of her way to act as if she completely agrees with me. I no longer feel comfortable sharing with her details about some of my family/friends as I know that the groups she supports would not approve of their lifestyle. I now wonder if anything she says is true. I can’t help but feel like our friendship is beyond repair.

Do I tell her that I know the truth and confront her, asking her why she has lied all this time? Or ignore it and focus on our shared history and apparently superficial friendship but avoid politics and all controversial topics?

– Shocked Friend

Dear Friend: It’s important to remember that social media doesn’t have a direct relationship to reality. Now, following 1,200 political accounts isn’t something one does by accident. But it’s possible there’s more to the story. When we see things online that don’t match up with what we know to be true about friends and family, particularly now that the influence of AI is growing so rapidly, it’s always good practice to check in with the human behind the account.

Before you walk away from the friendship, ask her some questions about what you observed. These don’t have to be (or come across as) accusations. You might say something like, “I noticed you follow a large number of extremist groups, and it really surprised me based on our history and what you’ve said before. Can you help me understand?”

The answer may be as simple as her wanting to “keep tabs” on what others are saying or doing. Or, as you suspect, she may have been talking out of both sides of her mouth. But following doesn’t implicitly mean support (even though social media engagement such as follows and likes are how accounts gain traction and, sometimes, earn money). Approach her with curiosity and let her response guide your next steps.

Dear Eric: About once a week or so, my wife has a small group of close friends over to the house for lunch. As she is now dependent upon a walker due to a recent surgery and age-related issues, one of the ladies has insisted on washing and drying the dishes after their meal.

While this would be a great thing under normal circumstances, the woman has not only broken two nice glasses, but she does a terrible job of washing everything. She has included leaving food particles attached to the silverware and lipstick on coffee cups. As a result, I have to sort through the drawers and cupboards to find and rewash whatever she has put away.

Although my wife has politely told the woman that she is a guest and her company is appreciated at the table with her other friends, the woman makes like a tornado at the sink and can’t be stopped.

Although I never join the ladies for their afternoon lunch, I did make a point of politely repeating my wife’s request, which was completely ignored.

Thus, do you have any suggestions on how to stop this well-meaning friend of my wife’s from washing the dishes after their lunch?

– Flummoxed

Dear Flummoxed: While your wife’s friend may be trying to do a favor, it’s of little help if it just creates more work. You’ll have to be a little more intransigent about the issue. Try talking to her privately. Thank her for her efforts and tell her, “I really am going to have to insist that you let me take care of the washing up. It’s important to me and it’s important to my wife. If you’d like to help in another way, we’re open to it, but we will be happiest and most comfortable if you just enjoy your time as a guest.”

Another, potentially more effective, remedy: you can make sure that you’re at home during the lunches, even if you don’t join them. Before the dishwashing tornado starts, clear the dishes, start the wash your way and shoo anyone else out of the kitchen.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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